The Healing Process
“…a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;” Ecclesiastes 3:3
This past summer has been quite the rollercoaster. As the sun sets on my Army career, healing has been pushed to the forefront of my priority list. I must admit that the process is difficult. I was sent to a mental health treatment facility in the Netherlands to help with the PTSD healing process. I’ve spent much time on my bike trying to enjoy the beauty of life and nature. I have stared intently at the sky, trees, and white walls trying to find answers to my questions, only to find more questions than answers.
Self-sacrifice is one of the key attributes that has brought me to this point. I’ve written and spoken in the past about the importance of taking care of yourself, but I must admit that I was having a very hard time practicing what I preached. I also didn’t completely understand what I was sacrificing in those moments. Hopefully, this will help you to decide what is best for you as you continue to grow and develop.
A few years ago, I was discussing my mental health needs with my provider. For context, the US was concerned that Russia was planning on moving west into Europe. Our unit, located in Vilseck, Germany, was to deter the threat until reinforcements arrived on the continent. During the discussion with my provider, we spoke about different treatment options to help me cope with the issues I was going through. I saw my provider every few weeks to “dress the wounds” as it were so they wouldn’t boil over and then I could get back to doing my work. I was also told that if I wanted to do a more intensive treatment, that it would open up doors to things that would affect my job performance and how I took care of my Soldiers. As I looked back at the scenario, I couldn’t help but feel like I was being used. However, my provider didn’t make the decision for me. Ultimately, going off of my provider’s advice, I decided to keep doing what I was doing, instead of actively trying to heal. This was a massive mistake for me.
Recently, I harbored much anger towards the system that “made” me choose between my health and my work. I felt like the choice had been taken from me. The Army, my bosses, and my Soldiers, “needed” me to lead. As the saying goes, “the die is cast.” I needed to be at my best so that, if the worst-case scenario was realized, I would be ready to lead in a near-peer wartime scenario. I was sacrificing and being sacrificed for the “greater good.”
Undoubtedly, many of you are much stronger than me in many respects. You also may have already figured out the work-life balance and have healed in the process. For those of you that haven’t figured it out, here is my message to you:
With a lump in my throat from sadness and tears wanting to fall from my eyes, I’m asking you to really consider your situation. It’s hard to know the long-term effects of what you have experienced, but if you know that you are not well now, healing will not just happen if you ignore everything. You may not be falling on a sword, but death by a thousand cuts is much more painful. It is also more painful for the people that love you. Everyone has a breaking point and in my pursuit of chasing my limits, I never considered that finding them would cost me so much. So, I ask you now to evaluate your current circumstances. What have you been avoiding or putting off? Would you consider starting your healing process today?
~Rey